Friday, November 11, 2011

Boy Meets Girl, Danny’s Born Without a Butthole

Read or purchase the series at The Gifted Book Series!
Like Richie the SkyForce pilot, my dad was in the Air Force and he met a cute little country girl while he was in the service. She wasn’t Mexican, she was a Missourrian.  Her middle name was Pamela. My dad and a couple of his buddies were stationed at Whiteman AFB and they went to a party in a local barn. My dad and his friend both found the girls they were going to marry in that barn.
A couple of years later, it was time for me to be born. Unfortunately, I had been in that uterus two weeks past my due date and I still wasn’t ready. But then I started getting rowdy in there. My mom had the distinct impression that something was wrong and so she made my dad take her to the hospital.
Sure enough, I had turned wrong and gotten the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. I was suffocating. The doctor gave my mom some pain meds, but I didn’t have any time to lose. Before the meds started to work, the doctor placed the scalpel on my mom’s stomach and asked if she could feel it. She answered yes. He then asked if she wanted to have this baby and she again said yes. So the doctor drew the blade across her abdomen and I was saved.
But, like I said, I apparently needed some more time in there because I hadn’t exactly developed what some might call an anus.
That’s right. I was born without a butthole. I had to have surgery to have a colostomy bag attached to my side for the first two years of my life. I vaguely remember it, but thankfully, I don’t remember the times the bag came open and made a mess everywhere.
When I was two, the doctors cut me an anus. You know how when you’re introducing yourself to a new group and they ask you to say something interesting about yourself? I like to say that I’m two years older than my butthole.
Unfortunately, I had the hole then, but my colon still wasn’t very well developed. Without getting into any more gory details, let me just say that Danny’s problems of having accidents characterized much of my young life, even up through college, until my dad discovered Immodium A.D. That, my friends, is a wonder drug for a fella like me. (Too bad I never told Danny about it! Poor dude. Maybe I will later on.)
Read or purchase the series at The Gifted Book Series!

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